Mercy
by Henta1Rampag3
Summary: "This world is merciless. It's cruel, it's horrifying. It's bloody. It takes and takes without remorse, but sometimes, it is also very beautiful, and Mikasa: You are, and always will be, the most beautiful thing in it." EreMika, shameless. Spoilers for the end of the anime. Cover image by Crimson Firelight, and rated M for adult content. There, I think I covered my bases.


**A/N: this is my first fanfic in a while so plz b nice ok**

The smell of ash and smoke still saturated the air throughout Stohess, and even high above the streets it filled Mikasa Ackerman's nose. From her position on the balcony, she surveyed the destruction caused by Eren and Annie's brutal fight. So many buildings destroyed, people injured, some even killed, and after it all Annie now slept in an unshatterable crystal, silent, her motivations hidden. Mikasa hoped that eventually, it would all be worth it.

It had taken days to calm and organize the populace and explain what had happened while simultaneously covering up the details. Presently the Recon Corp was under intense scrutiny, and the Military Police had their hands full trying to keep the population of Stohess from panicking. So, for now, Mikasa's only mission was to… stand around.

Which gave her plenty of time to think. She didn't like thinking; she preferred action. She could alter the present, and the future; all it took was strength and will, but all the strength in the world would never be enough to destroy the memories of what she had seen. She was barely a woman, and her life was already stained with the blood of hundreds. Action kept her from remembering it all; action… and Eren.

She sighed.

_Eren._

She twirled the end of the crimson scarf around her neck in her fingertips; it had been so long since that day: the best and worst day of her life, and still she could swear the scarf still smelled like him. She gently pressed it to her face and closed her eyes, thinking of him. After the fight Eren had been confined to a hotel room under guard, both to avoid scrutiny or persecution by the military police, and partially because, even if his mysterious powers were indeed the last hope for humanity, they all still feared him.

She was allowed to visit him; she was one of the few who was authorized to do so, but she had not been able to. The stress of all she, Armin, and Eren had been through was beginning to wear on her, and every day seemed to throw them all into closer and closer encounters with death. Eren _had_ died, once. Any day now could be their last in this one-sided war, and so thoughts and feelings she had once repressed were beginning to haunt her more every day.

She and Eren had grown up together like brother and sister after her parents' death. He was her family, and yet… she knew that Eren was more than a brother to her. When she looked at him all pain seemed to numb, and all fear seemed to fade. Her cheeks would burn and she just wanted to be close to him. Forever. To forget the Titans, forget the endless maelstrom of death that formed the fabric of her life, and just lie beneath the stars with her hand in his.

Eren could be cold sometimes; he could be brash, but he was also fearless, and he had always stood for her. He had saved her from a terrible fate as a child, and shown her the strength that she hadn't known she possessed. When he had been eaten the first time in Trost, it was like the sky had fallen upon Mikasa's shoulders, binding and suffocating her in hopelessness. And when she had found him hours later, alive and breathing, her ear to his heartbeat, she had wept for the mercy this merciless world had shown her.

But they were family. Eren only saw her love for him as overbearing and smothering, even if all she wanted was to make sure he never left her again. Even if he felt the same way about her as she did him, even if thoughts of her were what drove him fearlessly onward into battle, they were considered family. It was improper, and it could never be.

Mikasa gripped the hotel balcony with white knuckles. Eren was down the hall, mere meters away from her, and she had been out here for an hour. She didn't even know why. She wanted to talk to Eren, just hear his voice, but she knew he probably just wanted to be left alone. She was just a sister to him; she knew he cared about her, but she was not the woman who would ever complete him.

Her stomach fluttered, and her hands were shaking lightly. She closed her eyes and breathed, steadying herself. Next to her she could smell the aroma of hydrangeas from the vase on the balcony, and it reminded her of her life with Eren's family; the two of them, alone in the fields, Eren asleep under the tree and she next to him, just watching him. She used to reflect that Eren didn't realize what he had saved her from, and how much he meant to her.

Mikasa gripped her scarf tighter. She had to do it, just see him once. They were family, after all; it wasn't as if she didn't have the right. Just a few minutes, just to make sure he was okay, then she would go sharpen her blades or something until someone gave her an order.

She turned from the balcony and walked the hall. It was empty; the Recon Corps had been ordered to post guards to make sure Eren didn't try to escape, but in the last day or so they had begun to trust him. The door wasn't even locked anymore; Eren remained because he had been ordered to. A man of honor, always.

Mikasa stopped before the door to Eren's room and… stood there. It should have been easy: Walk in, ask how he was, make sure he was comfortable, and leave. Just show him she cared. Like she had been doing from that fateful day onwards.

But it wasn't. There were so many things she wanted to say; there had always been, and every time they talked it got harder and harder to keep them to herself.

She opened her eyes, straightened herself, and, with a moment's hesitation, knocked upon the wood.

"Yes?" came his voice from the other side.

"It's me, Mikasa," she stated, "May I come in?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure." Eren sounded surprised. Expected, considering it had been a few days for them both.

Gracefully, Mikasa opened the wooden door to Eren's room.

Though small, the room appeared comfortable enough. There was a made bed, a bookcase, and a desk by an open window. Eren sat on the bed, eyes staring a hole through the floor. After Trost, every time Mikasa saw him alive it brought a small flutter of relief to her heart, even if at the moment he appeared troubled. She closed the door behind her and stepped into the room, careful not to get too close. She didn't want to appear too overbearing.

Eren looked up at her briefly, and he shifted on the bed.

"Thanks for stopping by," he said distractedly.

Mikasa nodded.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she started, "If you needed anything."

Eren looked at her again, and gave her a wry smile.

"You think you could ask them to let me out of here?" he said, "I'm bored."

"I think you've had enough excitement," she said.

Eren huffed.

"Well, there's only so much a man can sleep."

Mikasa saw it in his face, his eyes. Eren was more troubled than he seemed. Why did he never open up to her?

"Is something bothering you?" she offered.

"I'm fine," he sighed.

"Eren…"

He looked up at her, locking eyes with her for a few precious seconds.

"It doesn't matter if they lock me in a cell or a hotel room, I'm still locked up," he closed his eyes, "No, Mikasa, I am not fine. All this with my abilities, and Annie, and… all I wanted was to kill them all."

Eren rose from the bed, pacing to the other side of the room.

"I never asked for this; to be hope for everyone, or to be a Titan. I'm trying…"

He turned to face her, "Dammit, I'm trying, but they look at me like I'm the monster! The monsters are out _there_, and they're afraid of _me_!"  
It pained Mikasa, but she would never be able to understand it. It was true: for someone who didn't know Eren like she did, he was probably terrifying.

"But, then again, who can blame them?" he slumped against the wall, "I _am_ a monster. I never wanted it, but I became what I hated most in the world!"

"Eren!" Mikasa stopped him; "You saved my life by becoming a Titan. You even saved your own."

"So I did," he tossed his hands in the air, "I also nearly killed you!"

Mikasa was reminded of the nearly healed scar on her upper cheek.

"But you had no contr-"

"And all that destruction?" Eren gestured in the direction of the window, at the city, "I caused that. I defeated Annie, barely, at what cost? How many people did I hurt? It didn't even cross my mind!"

Mikasa moved for him.

"It's not your fault," she comforted.

"You're the only one who thinks that, Mikasa," he sighed, "Half of humanity probably wants me dead right now. I wanted to be a hero, but I'll always be just a monster!"

"Eren!"

Mikasa grabbed Eren's shoulders, and there was a silence as he looked into her eyes with shock. She let go, taking a deep breath and a step back.

"The world might see you as a monster," she said, "But I will never. No matter what, you'll always be a hero to me."

Eren looked at the floor and sighed angrily.

"You've saved more lives than I ever could," he said.

"You saved mine," Mikasa reminded.

"I should have been there to save your parents too-"

"Dammit! Eren why do you never listen to me!?"

Eren looked visibly taken aback.

Mikasa braced herself: Talking about her parents, no matter how briefly, was never easy.

"There was nothing you could have done," she said, "But you saved me. Don't ever forget that. So many people have died, but many more have lived because of you. And even if the world calls you a monster, I will never see you like that."

Eren leaned against the wall, eyes averted.

"Mikasa…"

She looked at him, and her heart shattered. He was always so honorable, always willing to fight as hard as he could. He had done so much, but it would never be enough for him. She only wanted him to know how much he really meant to her; even if it didn't change anything, he needed to know that he was still loved by someone; what a difference he had made on her life.

"Eren…" she stepped back farther, fingering her scarf. She looked at the battle-worn man before her and saw the same determined boy she had on that night. If only she could make him see himself the way she saw him.

"You…" she took a deep breath, "You mean so much to me Eren. When you died I didn't… I didn't…"

She shook away the tears welling in her eyes.

"I didn't know if I could go on. I joined the military with you so I would have the skill to make sure nothing ever hurt you, just like you did for me."

Eren was looking at her, his expression unreadable. His silence left Mikasa no choice but to continue.

"You're more than a friend to me, Eren," she straightened herself; she could no longer stay silent. She needed him to know. It took all of her strength to hold back the tears from her eyes and the quake from her voice.

"You're more than a brother to me. You're everything I have left, and everything… everything I want to have. No matter what happens, or whatever anyone says… I…"

Eren was looking at the floor now, still as Mikasa had ever seen him. She tried to finish her sentence; to speak the words she had always left unspoken, but she was voiceless. She couldn't do it.

"I… have to go…" she whispered.

Slowly she turned, the silence in the room pressing on her like the judgement of all the world. She took a step, and as she went to take another she felt his hand grip her shoulder, his force stopping her in her tracks.

"It's my turn now, Mikasa."

She was speechless. She could not move; the next few seconds hung in the air.

"I don't mean to push you away…" he started, "It's just… I don't want to be a burden to you."

She spun to face him.

"Eren you were never a-"

He held up a hand, and she caught herself. He began again, slowly, calmly, his eyes focused on her jacket.

"I try to be strong like you. Talented like you, but I can never match you. When we were children, I used to see the way you stared at the sky when no one was around. You looked fine, but I knew you were suffering still. I saved you, but it was not enough. You had suffered so much, so I said I would never let anything hurt you again."

Mikasa's hands tightened around her scarf.

"Eren…"

"But you didn't need that," he looked up at her, and she saw the glisten of a tear in the corner of his emerald eye.

"You lost your own parents, and then you lost them again when I lost mine. And then… you lost me… and you kept fighting.

"I try every day to be strong like you, Mikasa."

He took a step towards her, and she did not move. They looked into one another's eyes, her attention hanging on every word.

"Because I wish…" she heard the faintest shake in Eren's voice, "I wish that I could take your pain: Every wound, every loss you've ever suffered and I wish I could endure them all for you, but I can't. Instead you have to shield me, and protect me because I try every day to be strong enough for you, and fail."

There was a pause as Eren visibly steeled himself. They were mere inches apart, and their fingers brushed as he collected himself. Mikasa gently gripped his hand, and his fingers wrapped around her palm.

"You once told me," he started, "…You once told me, that this world is merciless, but that it is also very beautiful."

His head snapped up to look at her, and she looked back into him. She was captivated, and every moment not filled with his words tortured her with silence.

"You were right," Eren said, "This world _is_ merciless. It's cruel, it's horrifying. It's bloody, and it takes and takes without remorse. But, sometimes… Sometimes, it is also very beautiful. And, Mikasa…"

Eren's hand trailed up Mikasa's sleeve, and from her sleeve he gently cupped her face. His thumb caressed the scar on her cheek. She reached her own hand up to his, trying to hold the tears in her eyes at bay. Her ears begged for his words, just a few more. Eren looked into her eyes, determination burning within his own, emerald fire.

"You are, and you always will be, the most beautiful thing in it."

"Eren…"

Mikasa cupped her own mouth, her cheeks burning. She wanted to believe everything, she wanted to surrender to this completely, but the world had forced her to push it away. Everything beautiful could be ripped from her arms in moments, and she had learned that every victory is short lived.

Gently, Eren pulled her hand away from her lips. His movements slow, graceful as a dancer. One hand slipped around her to the small of her back, pulling her into him as she leaned on her toes and placed her hands on his chest. The other caressed her neck before gliding through her raven hair, cradling the back of her head. And then he leaned in for her, touching his forehead to hers, eyes closed as he held her. His body was relaxed, his breath was slow, but his face looked like he was holding back, his eyes seemingly struggling with tears of his own.

She needed this. Her heart beat for this, and her lungs gasped for this moment. She cradled his head as he held hers, and with one more push of her toes she reached for him with her lips.

And as they kissed they were a fortress, where within its walls no fear could reach them. They melted into one another, their every touch electric. Tears streamed down their faces not in choking torrents, but in crystal streams. She pushed him against the wall, and he pulled her into him as if she would fall away if he did not. They stayed like that for as long as they needed, lips locked.

Their hands moved to feel one another, but their uniforms were in the way. Without breaking the kiss Mikasa shed her jacket, her hands slipping under Eren's shirt and feeling the skin beneath. As she did his hands grabbed her hips, caressing and kneading as he slid them up to her waist.

Their movements were cautious at first, testing the desires of the other, until they were grasping at every inch of the other, needing everything. Mikasa felt his hands on her rear, and the strength of his grip made her cheeks flush. She moved her leg against him and he inhaled sharply, and they gasped for breath as their lips hung inches away from one another.

She wanted him; all of him. She wanted to know not only that she had him, but also that he had her. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her ribs. Slowly she guided his fingers higher against her shirt, and when his fingers tips brushed the curve of her breast she knew that she needed him, now.

She leaned in, her lips grazing the skin of his ear.

"Touch me, Eren," she begged.

She felt Eren hesitate, but it wasn't for long. He was subtle but urgent, and his fingers worked and kneaded her, drawing a breathy moan from her lips. As he touched her she worked at the buttons of her shirt, shedding the garment as soon as possible.

Eren dipped his head and kissed her collarbone, and as he did he stepped from the wall. Mikasa gasped at the sensation of Eren's lips on her skin, and she stepped with him with a grace perfected by years of training together. Soon she felt the backs of her boots against the bed frame, and Eren's manhood pressing against her through their pants.

Still holding her body tightly, Eren drew his head back, looking at her face. Mikasa looked back, and she saw the thoughts brewing in his eyes. She could feel his firm grip on her, she could feel his heat against her, but he was hesitant to go any further; still he wanted to make sure that she wanted this. Slowly, Mikasa let herself fall backwards onto the bed, and soon she lay on the sheets looking up at Eren, her legs spread to either side of his.

He knew. He hastily tore his shirt over his head, and Mikasa savored the view. Limited rations and rigid training had chiseled a healthy young boy into a man with the body of a champion. She ran her fingertips along his abs, and along the belt of his pants, returning her gaze to his eyes.

Eren climbed on top of her, positioning himself on the bed and laying a gentle kiss on her lips, and she moaned contentedly into him. Her fingers left trails down his muscled back as he pulled away to look upon her.

"You're so beautiful, Mikasa," he said.

Just the words, however simple, made her cheeks flush. How long had she waited for him to say those words; it felt like her entire life.

"Eren," she smiled, "So are you."

Eren cupped her face with one hand, brushing a loose strand of hair away from her eye.

"I want this, with you," he whispered, "Are you sure? Are you sure you're ready? I don't want to give you any regrets."

"I am," she returned his affectionate gesture, "My only regret would be to die knowing I never shared myself with you."

Eren hovered, staring into her. He touched the scarf around her neck with a fond gentleness, the memory was clear in his face. Mikasa gripped his hand in hers, holding onto the scarf with him. The garment, a single, red cloth, was more than that to both of them; to Eren it was a symbol of his love for her, and to Mikasa it was the one piece of Eren that no matter where he was, she would always have with her. She looked up into his eyes and caressed his cheek.

"You're everything to me," she whispered, "I love you, Eren Jaeger."

A smile spread across his lips, and it served to remind her of how long it had been since she had seen him smile.

"I love you too, Mikasa Ackerman," he said, "And I always will."

She felt a fire in her chest unlike any before; she had not felt like this since before her parents were taken from her. More forcefully than before she placed Eren's hand on her breast, pressing his fingers against her bra.

"Now," she whispered as they drew their heads closer together, "Take me, Eren."

As soon as the words left her lips he forced himself against them, slipping one hand underneath her to lift her up. She propped herself upright on her elbows as Eren slipped his hands underneath her bra strap. He fumbled with the garment, having never touched women's clothing before, it seemed. Mikasa didn't mind; she was going to be Eren's first as well.

She reached back and helped him, letting her bra fall off her chest in one fluid motion before tossing it aside. The sight of her curves flushed Eren's cheeks, and they shared a quick, nervous grin before he reached for her, holding her breasts between his fingers as he pushed her back down to the bed. His touch sent goose bumps of elation down her chest, and she let herself be taken by him, moaning, laying on her back and removing her belt as Eren handled her.

Clothing fell off the bed at a steady rate: boots, belts, pants, undergarments; Mikasa reached down for Eren and felt his length, running her hands down him and drawing a satisfied grown from his mouth. Soon there was nothing left on her but her panties, and she reached for them but Eren stopped her.

"I want to take those off myself," he said.

Mikasa placed her hands above her head and straightened her legs; she had nothing to hide from him. As he stripped her she watched his eyes rake her body as he saw all of her, and felt no apprehension. All she had wanted was for him to see her as he did now, to watch him look at her with desire and lust.

She spread her legs and Eren nestled between them, and for a moment they kissed, their skin touching up and down their bodies, still.

"If it hurts me," she whispered, "Don't stop."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Eren nodded; Mikasa knew that if she asked, he would stop immediately. She knew her first time would hurt, but she was ready for it. She felt herself, and she was wet for him, as only he could make her.

Eren cradled her head with one hand, and she grabbed his shoulders. Slowly, he pushed against her. She winced at first, and that soon turned to a gasp, high-pitched and breathy. He felt so big; the feeling threatened to overwhelm her. He clenched, holding his breath, and she felt him breathe into her hair as he entered her. She gripped his shoulders tightly.

"Mikasa?" he checked.

"Keep going," she whispered in his ear.

He obliged, and as he pressed farther Mikasa felt it: her virginity, pierced.

She let out a short cry; a mixture of stinging pain and huge, warm bliss. Eren pulled back, and as he pushed back in Mikasa wrapped her lithe legs around his waist, tightening herself around him.

They were silent, as their bodies spelled out every word. Eren moved inside her and with every movement she fought through the pain until it ceased to exist, and she simply felt him, with all of her. As she relaxed he moved faster and there was rhythm between them, punctuated by short breaths and the dancing of their skin.

Mikasa bucked her hips with Eren, needing more of him, as much as she could get. She grabbed a fist full of his hair and pulled him to her, resting his head on her shoulder as he picked up his pace.

"Keep doing that," he spoke into her ear, and his voice sent shivers down her skin.

She pulled harder on his hair, whimpering as he thrusted into her walls. The pain was forgotten, as if it had never been; she closed her eyes and surrendered to the moment. Right now, there were no Titans, no death, no war; there was only the two of them, and their union, right now.

She could feel herself tightening, pressure building inside her, so much that she almost couldn't take it.

"Eren…" she breathed.

"Mikasa…" he heaved between thrusts, "I'm going to…"

She pulled him in close to her, trying to find words in her ecstasy.

"Inside me!" she managed.

Eren kissed her, his tongue to hers, and she let go. Her body was on fire with pleasure and she broke the kiss, throwing her head back to the bed and screaming his name. She felt him tense under her hands, and he released inside her, his head buried in her neck and her body held firm in his hands. For precious, burning moments they were lost in torrents of pleasure; every nerve a catalyst for the lust they shared. Mikasa gasped Eren's name until she was out of breath, and through her silence she heard Eren breathe her name into her skin.

Finally they collapsed, heaving, the aftershocks of climax still pulsing between Mikasa's legs. Eren lay on top of her, his head beside hers. They stayed like that, and she stroked his hair as if to reassure herself it had all just really happened. She felt his weight on top of her and his smell in next to her; it was real.

Finally, with effort Eren rose on his hands and pulled out of her, slowly. They looked at one another and shared tired, but satisfied smiles. He lay next to her and planted a gentle kiss on her hair, and she touched her hand to his chest. Already her mind was thinking ahead, of what the consequences for this would be, but what it meant for the two of them was worth any amount of lashes.

"We can't tell anyone about this," she said, guiding her fingers across his skin.

"It will be our secret," Eren agreed, "We have to act like nothing happened, in front of everyone."

"But, one day…" Mikasa looked into his eyes.

Eren looked back, finishing her sentence.

"One day we'll win," he said, "And we can be together, forever."

"Together…" Mikasa savored the taste of the words in her mouth, and they entwined their fingers as they lay. She wanted to melt into him; for the first time in years, it felt like she was where she belonged.

But it couldn't last forever. There was still a war that needed to be won. Mikasa forced herself up, out of bed, and Eren turned for her, surprised.

"I have to go," she murmured, as if she didn't hear the words they wouldn't be true. Standing was difficult, as her legs buzzed with pleasure and exertion. She was vaguely aware of her virginity running down her inner thigh in crimson trails.

"Mikasa," Eren started.

"They'll be wondering where I went," she bent down to the floor pick up her scarf.

"Mikasa, wait," Eren's fingers brushed her hand, and she stopped.

"Just a few more minutes," he said, calmly, "Stay with me."

She stood, still. Eren waited patiently for her decision, looking at her. Slowly, she lay back down, into Eren's arms, and rested her head on his chest. He ran his fingers through her hair, and she lazily played with his hands. No rush, as if they had all the time in the world.

"Just a few more minutes."


End file.
